Holding out (for a hero?)

Aw, man. It's gonna be a long week.

I woke up this morning (at 8, mind you; ended up missing Italian), and I honestly thought it was Friday. I sat up, refreshed and excited that the weekend was finally here! Only - surprise! - it's not. It's Monday. Ugh, that was depressing.

But then, the rest of my day was pretty good. Finished a book that I picked up at Borders on Saturday, started a new one about the Zodiac murders - I want to see the movie, but it looks like one of those films that I probably won't understand well unless I know some of the background, so I'm gonna read the book. Worked on some homework and finished up some scholarship essays. Got together with some friends and helped Bell film a silent movie for one of her classes. You know, same old.

Until my brother called. He was nice enough to let us use his apartment as a setting for Bell's film, yet somehow, after we left, his computer doesn't work anymore. I didn't think anyone had touched his computer (common courtesy, you know?), but now he runs the risk of not being able to retrieve some of the memory from the hard drive. Great, just great. I really hope no one touched his computer while we were there. I hate to think that one of my friends messed it up.

Of course, there was Heroes. Quite a lovely series, don't you think? For those out there saying "What the heck is Heroes?", here's the rundown: X-MEN for television, only like, 10 times more believeable. Hey, I love X-MEN too (go ahead, say it: I'm a nerd. And proud of it, don't you forget!), but the characters in Heroes seem so much more real. I think that's mostly because with a TV series, you get to know the characters sooooo much better, so they seem more like real people. Okay, I know what I'm trying to say here, and it's not working. Moving on. Heroes has got all the basic "superheroes", if you will: the timetraveler, the "Flying Man", the invisible guy, the guy who can walk through walls, the superstrong chick (with a kind-of multiple personality thing going on), the firestarter, and the mindreader; but it's also got some new tricks thrown in, or at least tricks I hadn't really seen before: the kid who can control machines, the painter of the future, the persuader, the Haitian (no, his power is not being Haitian, but he can erase memories). Then you've got the main three heroes, or at least the people that I think are the main three heroes: the self-healing cheerleader, the kid who takes on others' powers around him, and the villian who goes around stealing everyone else's powers for his own. I guess that's really two heroes and a villian. Seriously though, it's not really the superpowers that suck me into this show - it's the intrigue and mystery and endless instances of the Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon. I love love love how everyone's connected in this crazy web - trying to figure it all out during commercial breaks is amazing. Plus, Heroes has the (haha) best tagline ever for a TV series... Save the Cheerleader, Save the World. Oh, lord, I can't stop laughing now. Ahhh, tonight's episode was soooo great, too... so many mysteries starting to unravel.

BUT HOLY MOLY I NEVER THOUGHT THE HAITIAN WOULD MAKE MR. BENNETT FORGET. Or that he would shoot him. That too. And how in the world is Hiro's father involved in Mr. Bennett's work, too?! Yarg. So exciting.

Off the subject of Heroes now. I'm just sitting here, listening to some John Williams (Theme from Schindler's List, seriously one of the most heartbreaking orchestrations in the history of man), and now I'm here to propose a question to each and every one of you out there:
Are you afraid of your dreams?
I'm not going to lie; I am afraid of my dreams sometimes. Not the kind of dreams I have when I sleep at night, but the kind of dreams I have about the rest of my life. My aspirations, what I want to do, what I want to be. There's so many things I hope and pray for someday to become, but I know that the only way I can ever fulfill those hopes is to chase my dreams as if that's all I had.
But that's not all I have. I have more than dreams; I have an education, a place in life all laid out for me. But I never dreamt of going to business school and becoming a business tycoon or a regional manager or whatever. No, those aren't my dreams, and they never were. Sure, it's what I'm doing - but I'm doing these things because they're something to do, things that will get me a good job and give me a comfortable life. I'm doing these things because I'm too afraid of going after my real dreams.
But why, why am I afraid of my real dreams, of what I really want? Because - everyday, all around me - in the media, in entertainment, even in the so many stories of true events - I'm shown failure, people who have tried to go after their dreams and have failed. Good people doing good things and yet they fail anyway. What makes me any different? Why should I be able to be successful and fulfill my dreams at the same time when there are so few out there that ever get that, who ever get both? In all honesty, it's that kind of thinking that throws my dreams into the deepest cellar of my mind, slams the door shut and swallows the key.
I'm afraid of failure. If I lose the battle for my dreams, then I'm afraid I'll lose myself too. So instead, I stay on the straight and narrow and predictable path, not willing to risk everything I already have for the dreams that I only might accomplish.
What are my dreams? Hm, if you really want to know, then you can ask me in person - no exceptions. I'll tell you one thing: I've always wanted to be a pirate:



Just kidding. Astronauts, though - those are cool.

Sorry the end of this post was so depressing. I'll try to lighten it up next time.